At this point in the quarter, I’m starting to get fairly attached to the students I work with at Montgomery Elementary. When I first heard that I would be working with a third grade class, my initial reaction was along the lines of “Fuhhhh”. But from the first day, they proved me wrong. They’re great kids, very intelligent, talented, good-natured, and always capable of surprising you in some way. I’d love to say that I’ve made a positive difference during my time there, but I can’t say with certainty that I did. The groundwork was already there. They were great kids when I came to the classroom, and they’ll be great kids once I leave it forever on Tuesday afternoon. Earlier today, the class was doing some calligraphy/drawing activity (with a special kind of ink). They had some extra materials, so I decided to take part. I drew a lopsided Squidward, a Patrick Star head, a misshapen SpongeBob, and a warthog. I didn’t think much of it, so I just slipped it into the trash can next to one of the bookshelves. One student I’ve spent a lot of time working with went to the bookshelf to grab some reading material. Despite the time I’d spent with him, I still felt very detached from him. He’s a good kid, intelligent but very passive/withdrawn. He saw my drawing sticking out of the trash can, and his face brightened up when he saw it. Excitedly, he asked me, “Can I have this?”, to which I replied, “Yeah, sure.” Grinning, he ran to put it into his backpack. By that point, it had fully sunk in just how much I was going to miss these kids.
After Tuesday though, I’ll walk out that door and most likely never see any of them again. I usually don’t give a crap about people/strangers in general, but I’m very intrigued to see where the kids in that class will end up. But in all likelihood, I’ll never know. That’s just the way it is. I can honestly say that I’ll miss them all and that I’ll have fond memories of our time together. And if I’m lucky, maybe the sentiment is mutual.
I feel as if I’ve become more selfish in the past year or so, and that’s par the course. The pursuit of independence naturally lends itself to a more self-centered existence. You have to “cook”, clean, work part-time jobs, and start getting your shit together. As life goes on, you have less and less time for other people. The pendulum of give and take oscillates in weird directions. When you grow up, it’s a pretty sweet deal. Everyone’s there to help you and keep you sheltered from living in the real world. As you grow older and hopefully wiser, you start understanding the importance of “give”, as opposed to “take”. Maybe you find yourself going through a sickening “benevolence” phase, where you’re polite, considerate, and thoughtful to the point where the people in your life are telling you to fuck off. But then, as adolescence winds down and adulthood comes rushing to meet you, you become single-minded once again. It’s a six to ten year hump where you’re focused primarily on getting your shit together and constructing the best future possible.
And part of maturing is just realizing that you have to be a little more selfish, I guess. In the past, I would often go out of my way to help people who really didn’t give a shit about me. It was “find the lemon rind, squeeze it dry, then use it as compost to litter your social landscape”. I no longer jump through hoops in a vain effort to earn the goodwill of people who ultimately don’t matter. And that’s good, because it shows a growing sense of self-respect.
That’s not to say that I don’t help people anymore, and am just a selfish douche bag 24/7 (23/7 is a more accurate representation). If a friend asked me for help (and it was within reason/my ability), I’d help them. But I just never go out of my way to help people now, and in some ways, I lament the passing of that personality trait. The unglamorous truth is just that I don’t have the time or energy to care all that much about other people.
Which makes it great whenever you can find a way to help out others, while still remaining wrapped up in your cocoon of selfishness. Earlier today, I was at the Tanglewood leasing office, working stuff out with one of the managers. I remembered that a girl I talked to on the bus a few weeks ago had mentioned this place. I figured the apartment might have a referral program. I mentioned her name to the manager, on the off chance that they did have a referral program. They did. She is now getting a $100 credit to her account. In the span of three seconds, I built up some solid ass karma. And now I’m dismantling it by being a boastful tool and writing about it on Tumblr. What a selfish-ass thing to do. But whatever. The people who know me know I’m a selfish ass anyway. Par the course.
